What? I'm really sick!

So I was lying on a hospital bed all last night ... (Before you ask, its Stefan talking here and yeah, the hiccups, the not so serious issue, has become a problem.)
Double hernias hate hiccups, I know this because every time my muscles spasm both hernias tell me to "FUCK OFF".
The hiccups started on Friday and haven't stopped since. I'd been wanting to hurl for several hours but couldn't.
So the story goes ...
I rang NHS Direct under strict orders from the missus, she knows me, I would have rode out the storm and gone to work the next day mash up.
I'm struggling to talk because the hiccups are making me short of breath so the nurse at the NHS sends an ambulance sharpish. Still on the phone the paramedics buzz my door and not long after we're heading to A&E.
My entire core is pulsating, my throat is closing up and all they do at the hospital is hook me up to the monitor and using intricate body language that usually goes over most peoples heads, tell me to lay there and hope for the best.
Several - no, fuck several - 2 hours 33 minutes later I rip the alarm and send everyone dashing into my cubicle (DO SOME PUSSYCLART WORK). The nurses that tear the curtain back are privy to me doubled over clutching my stomach and groin.

"Would you like some painkillers?"

OH, I HAVE TO ASK FOR THEM DO I? All the moaning and shortness of breath wasn't an indication.
If I could pull a trigger I would.
Minutes later I'm handed some placebos and a cup of water. My friend turns up and we get talking which helps the pain. As soon as he leaves I'm left to muddle through poor attempts at breathing and finding various comfortable positions as the cannula in my arm keeps shifting with each minute movement.
4 hours go by before I'm seen by a doctor which is actually the expected waiting time. I swear the doctors mark the time each patient comes in and piss-arse around playing ping-pong and watching re-runs of Godzilla until the 4 hours are up.
I'm prodded and poked like at my surgical consult before Christmas and told since the hernias haven't ruptured I'll be prescribed pain meds and sent home. The doc also gave me the choice of taking a drug for the hiccups, so me being me, I asked about the side effects. The drug he was offering would stop the hiccups but also make me feel dizzy, nauseous, and a little confused. It's a drug they give to people with depression only in a smaller dose. I politely told him to stick his own finger in his arse, collected my things and left the hospital but not before a nurse with attitude ripped out my cannula. I do not exaggerate the 'ripped' part either.
Too vex to talk I walk home, which was a painful choice but I would have punched the back of the cab man’s head if I chose that option. Yeah he has nothing to do with the night I've had but someone needed to feel me.

It's nearly 6am and I'm given enough time between the hospital and home to dream up some violent retribution.
I email work regarding my impending absence and as I press send the hiccups that stopped at 4am start up again.

I think I fell asleep at 7am but I can't be sure.